Honestly!

Recently I had cause to question the value of honesty.  It cost me thousands of dollars to tell the truth (car insurance and excess).  One time, in the not so distant past, it would have been the other way around.  Lying might have cost me someone’s friendship, or my place in the under 50’s Olympic netball team, or something.

It is startling when the person sitting in front of you suddenly comes out with: “To be completely honest with you…” How extraordinary!  I had just assumed that my clients were telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  No.  Only kidding!!!!  I know we lie to ourselves all day, every day, and we tell other people only part of the reality with which we are in touch in any one moment; if we are to be honest; which we are often not.  ‘To tell you the truth’ is another phrase I fear is a bold admission of being essentially a liar!

On the odd occasion, I feel the need to do something dishonest.  Just to make sure I can without feeling overwhelmed with the terror of being caught (childhood flashbacks!).  Last year, I, quite deliberately, cheated at cards.  I had forgotten to pick up a card at the end of my turn, which put me at a disadvantage, so I picked up two in the next round.  Now this is extremely unusual, because winning at cards is not something vitally important to me.  I am unsure what I’m doing here.  Why did I deliberately choose something which is essentially wrong?

I hate to think I’m just being a stickler for honesty; the word used in the past was scrupulous.  It is not a good thing to be scrupulously honest because it causes other difficulties.

However, these days it seems not to be such a good thing to be too honest.  Why is that?  How did that happen?  I must admit that I am extremely tuned into honesty.  I suspect it means I fear to be caught out.  Which is why I just said, “I must admit.”

People with honesty issues often project them onto others in their lives.  Perhaps these are the parents who wash their children’s mouths out with soap.  It would be interesting to observe the effects of giving such a parent something for free, and to observe what they would do if they knew it belonged and had been taken from, some Company’s stocks.

From all accounts, Jack was a critical and demanding parent and partner.  He and his family were battlers from the University of Hard Knocks.  I had heard a bit about Jack from three small members of his family and also his wife. All gave me the impression he would make a challenging client despite the interesting fact that they all told me he was a good and loving man.  His children thought him loving and wise, and any criticism of Dad was avoided because he did not take kindly to it. One child met with his wrath more than the other two. An eight year old triplet, she had formed the habit of inventing elaborate stories.  These he labelled ‘lies’.  When Suzanna sought to extricate herself from trouble, homework lapses for example, her stories showed considerable talent. This troubled Jack and, when he spoke of Suzanna, his words were harsh.  I found her endearing and creative, with a quick mind and a loving heart.  The more he criticised Suzanna, the more she redoubled her efforts to please him, which only increased his disdain.  He decided she was False.

Three quarters of his first session revolved around Suzanna. The delivery, coupled with his extreme detest of Suzanna’s ‘lying’, rang the bell.  When we cling to our self-concepts, using intense defences, life becomes a minefield.  Suzannah was making her eight year old way through dangerous territory.  Jack held firm to his belief in his own goodness.  This meant trouble for anyone who couldn’t live up to his impossible standards.  Whilst he was indeed lovable, he also lied to himself.  None of us are all good.  Some fear our failings more than others.  Unaware of his inner ‘liar’, Jack projected it onto Suzannah.  She in turn became a liar, rather than a little person delving into fantasy.

Addictions are a breeding pond and an arena for lies. The obese woman comes for therapy driven by desperation, and then reports her food intake as going quite well.  The gambler neglects to mention three nights at the pokies.  Jean, who hoards, can scarcely enter her home, yet it is many sessions and problems later when she brings this to the table.  The effective therapist learns to anticipate and confront lies with gentleness and respect, being acutely aware of shame and its ability to intensify unwanted behaviours.  These behaviours point towards deep, unmet longings covered by shame.

Honesty and scrupulosity make uncomfortable bedfellows.  People are confused.  Without honesty, life is not safe. Scruples often hide self doubts which then become possible ammunition for projections.  As I long for Jake to pick up his little daughter, and tell her she is okay, so I wish for more gentleness in general, and more honesty in particular.  In one of these columns I wrote about gratitude, and the gifts some clients give us.  Today one of my younger clients told me this: despite her embarrassment at having a mental illness, she tells certain people she is in therapy. She does this to help them see there is nothing to be ashamed of in needing help. How brave is that?